My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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