He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
