Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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