My cat gives me a boner
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
