She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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