life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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