my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
