I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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