ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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