This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
