Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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