Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
try to milk me bitch
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
