Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
