Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
