atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
