Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
