I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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