The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
