My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
