Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
