I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
