my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My ATM looks so different sober.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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