I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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