New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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