btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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