i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
