We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
