i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
