he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
