Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
