I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
