Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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