if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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