right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
