fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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