I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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