I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
