Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
