I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
