im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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