i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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