I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Why can't burritos get me drunk
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
