I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i came on her dog
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
