Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
