I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
they need to just BURY HIM!
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
