I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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