I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
