well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
