Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
