He asked to "fluff my boner.."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
